My Henny Youngman Favorites
|A few of my favorites...take my wife,
A man goes to the doctor.
He says "Doctor, I have a terrible bladder problem!"
The doctor says "Get off my carpet!"
I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.
There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts.Popcorn."
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.
He was born on April 2. A day late.
I'd like to say we're glad you're here -- I'd like to say it...
He gives his wife something to look forward to -- a divorce.
Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.
Look at him, sex takes a holiday!
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? Youneed to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back "How about $20,000?" I said "I'll pay it!"
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so she killed the other chicken to make soup for it.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
2 Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
|A priest is sent to
Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks "How
do you like it up here?" The priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary,
and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?"
"Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate
Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still
bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the
drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a
disc with four screws. He gets his swiss army knife, unscrews the
screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the
hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the
service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says,
"Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says
"Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"