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What Happened To Jazz

Received via Email - Enjoy

What's happened to jazz? Where's all the brass?
What happened to jazz? What happened to class?
There was Dizzy and Miles, Flip Phillips and Bird.
Stan Getz played phrasing like we'd never heard.
Count Basie and Duke and all Woody's Herds,
Hell! Ella could sing without any words.

Then Rock and Roll showed up one day -
Just rhythm and Blues played a flashier way.
Wild costumes and lasers and fireworks and all,
Smash up your axes. Then trash the hall.
"It won't last," we said, "It'll soon go away."
But it kept hanging in there, day after day.

Punk Rock, Acid Rock, Heavy Metal and Rap,
They said it was music. We said it was crap.
Now it's two guys, a computer, and six amps on the stand,
With ten thousand watts and a million RAMS at hand.
Synthesizers, amplifiers, electronics and such,
They still call it music, but it don't move me much.

There's still lots of young talent. Kids that really play-
North Texas lab bands turn them out every day.
But there aren't any gigs and there's no place to play;
Jam sessions where old cats show the young cats the way.
Cutting contests that last until break of day,
Where all of your peers try to blow you away.

Ah, the jazz years were sweet, and we had a good run.
We partied all night and we hid from the sun.
We drank lots of booze, smoked grass by the ton,
Played games with the chicks and quite often won.
Life was a ball---playing music was fun.
I guess we did it all. It all seems to be done.

Be-bop to Hip-Hop in fifty short years.
You can't call that progress, not if you have ears.
But it's over and done, what else can you say.
Maybe, just maybe, it'll come back some day.
What happened to music?
Please, tell me the truth.
What happened to jazz?
What happened to truth?

(unknown author)


How To Play Saxophone

from Lee Nittel - Enjoy!

First things first: If you're a white guy, you'll need a stupid hat, the more stupid the better and preferably a beret. Sunglasses are optional, but all the really, really good players wear them, especially indoors. You'll also need some "gig shirts" - Hawaiians are good, but in a pinch anything with a loud floral pattern is acceptable, as are T-shirts from various jazz clubs and festivals.

The good thing about the latter is that you can get them mail order so you don't have to go to all the trouble of actually seeing and hearing live music. And sandals are an absolute must, even in winter.

Once you've assembled the proper attire you can begin practicing. One of the most important things about playing is being able to convey emotion to the audience. This you do through various facial expressions. The two emotions you'll need to convey are (1) rapture / ecstasy and (2) soul wrenching pain and sadness (i.e., the blues). You may find it useful in the beginning to borrow a page from the method acting school. So, for example, to convey rapture, try thinking of something nice - like puppy dogs or getting a rim job from Uma Thurman while Phil Barone feeds you Armour hot dogs with truffle sauce. To convey the "blues" try thinking of something really appalling - like ulcerative colitis or Alec Baldwin. You should practice your facial expressions in front of a mirror at least two hours per day. You may feel a tad stupid at first, but you'll never get the chicks if you don't jump around on stage like a monkey - with your face screwed up like there's a rabid wolverine devouring your pancreas. And, bottom line, getting chicks is really what music's all about.

Next, you'll need the correct ligature. Some people think that the ligature is just a stupid old piece of metal that holds the reed on the mouthpiece. Well, those people are idiots. Besides your beret, the ligature is the single most important piece of musical equipment you will ever buy. Mine, for example, is 40% platinum and 60% titanium; one screw is rubidium and the other plutonium. It makes me sound exactly like Booker Ervin would if Booker Ervin wasn't (1) dead and/or (2) living on Mars. You may have to spend years and years and thousands of dollars finding the proper ligature, but in the end it definitely will be worth it.

Now reeds. Optimally, you'll want to move to Cuba, grow and cure your own cane, and carve your own reeds by hand. If you're just a "weekend warrior" however, you can get by with store-bought. First, buy ten boxes of reeds -100 in all. Next, open all the boxes and throw away 60 reeds. Those were unplayable. Take the remaining reeds and soak them in a mixture of 27.8% rubbing alcohol and 72.2% pituitary gland extract for a period of 17 weeks. Throw away 20 more reeds. Those were stuffy. Take the remaining 20 reeds and sand each one for exactly 13 seconds with #1200 grade 3M sandpaper. Throw away 14 reeds. Those squeaked. Take the remaining 6 reeds and soak them for another 17 weeks, this time however in a mixture of 27.8% pituitary gland extract and 72.2% rubbing alcohol. Sun dry the 6 remaining reeds for 3 weeks, optimally at an equatorial latitude, and throw away 3 more just on general principles. You now have 3 reeds that will last you several months if you play each one only 20 minutes a day in strict rotation.

Now, you say you just bought a horn. Although you didn't say what kind it is. I'd sell it immediately and get a different one. The best one to get would be a Selmer Mark VI made at 4:27 PM on June 14, 1963, serial number 635543. If you can't get that one though, generally speaking the older and more expensive the better. The following brands are good: Selmer Paris Mark VI. The following brands suck: any other Selmer, Yamaha, Conn, Beuscher, Yanigasawa, Cannonball, LA, Jupiter, Elkhart, King, Martin, Keilworth, Boosey and Hawkes, Couf, Silvertone, and Holton. On no account should you play the horn before you buy it: go strictly on reputation and price.

You will also need some accoutrements: a flight case capable of withstanding atmospheric pressure of dP = - Dg dz where D and g are, respectively, the density of air and the acceleration due to gravity at the altitude of the air layer and dz is a horizontal layer of air having unit surface area and infinitesimal thickness; a metronome; a tuner; a combination alto-tenor-baritone sax stand with pegs for an oboe, bass clarinet, flute, english horn and bassoon; Band in a Box; every Jamie Abersold play-along record ever created; a reed cutter; swabs, cleaners, pad savers, pad dope, pad clamps; a Sennheiser Digital 1092 clip-on Wireless Microphone; an effects rig with digital delay and parametric EQ; and a 200 watt (per channel, minimum) amplifier and 18" monitor.

It will be helpful if you listen to lots of sax players. Unfortunately, listening solely to players you like is absolutely the worst thing you can do. To really understand the music and its traditions you have to go back to the beginning and listen to every bit of music ever recorded. I'd start with madrigals and work forward. Once you get to the 20th century, pay particular attention to players like Jimmy Dorsey, Sidney Bechet, and Al Gallodoro who are the foundations of the modern jazz saxophone. In no time at all, or by 2034 - whichever comes first - you'll be able to understand the unique be-bop stylings of players like Ace Cannon, Boots Randolph, and Sam Butera.

Finally, to play the sax itself, blow in the small end and move your fingers.


Translation Guide to a Recording Session

Musician to engineer: "Could we have more band in the phones?"
Translation: "The singer is too friggin' loud in the phones!"

Singer to engineer: "I can't hear myself."
Translation: "I don't want to hear anyone but myself."

Other musicians to guitarist: "Can you hear yourself okay?"
Translation: "You're too friggin' loud in the phones!"

Bassist to band: "Can everybody hear the drums?"
Translation: "This band is swinging like a broken record!"

Drummer to bassist: "Can you hear the kick drum?"
Translation: "We're not locking."

Musician to producer: "Could we have more piano in the phones?"
Translation: "Your artist can't sing in tune."

Musician to writer: "This song has nice changes."
Translation: "It's amazing what you can do with two chords."

Musician to producer or artist: "This song sounds like a hit."
Translation: "This song sounds like another song."

Producer to band: "It's a feel thing."
Translation: "I know the song sucks, but the artist wrote it."

Musician to producer: "I don't think we'll beat the magic of that first take."
Translation: "Please don't make us play this piece of shit again."

Drummer to band: "Should we speed up the tempo a couple of clicks?"
Translation: "Do you all intend to keep rushing?"

Musician: "Could we listen to one in the control room?"
Translation: "These cheap phones make it sound like Radio Free Europe."

Producer to band: "Let's take a break and come back and try one more."
Translation: "I think I'm having a nervous breakdown."

Musician to producer: "Were we booked for two sessions today?"
Translation: "Another three hours of this and I may have to kill you."

Producer to band: "We're supposed to be done at six, but we've only got one
more tune and I was wondering if we could skip our dinner break and work straight through."
Translation: "You'll be done at nine, and you'll be starved."

Artist to producer: "I don't like this song. It really sucks."
Translation: "I didn't write this song."

Producer to artist: "Trust me. It is a good song. Radio will love it."
Translation: "F**k you! I own the publishing on this song. Morons will buy it."

Singer to musician: "Can you play something like (so-and-so) would play?"
Translation: "I really wanted (so-and-so) on this record."

Musical Terms You've Gotta Know....

This came in via email, with no credits...Take it for what it's worth.....


Adagio Fromaggio: To play in a slow and cheesy manner.

AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow.

Angus Dei: To play with a divine, beefy tone.

A Patella: Unaccompanied knee-slapping.

Appologgiatura: A composition, solo or instrument, you later regret playing.

Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer, not intended
by the composer.

Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of
the correct pitch.

Coral Symphony: (see Beethoven-Caribbean period).

Cornetti Trombosis: Disastrous entanglement of brass instruments that
can occur when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs.

Dill Piccolino: A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.

Fermantra: A note that is held over and over and over and...

Fermoota: A rest of indefinite length and dubious value.

Fog Hornoso: A sound that is heard when the conductor's intentions
are not clear.

Frugalhorn: A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.

Gaul Blatter: A French horn player.

Good Conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance.

Gregorian Champ: Monk who can hold a note the longest.

Kvetchendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder.

Mallade: A romantic song that's pretty awful.

Molto bolto: Head straight for the ending.

Opera buffa: Musical stage production by nudists.

Poochini Musical: performance, accompanied by a dog.

Pre-Classical Conservatism: School of thought which fostered the
idea, "if it ain't baroque, don't fix it."

Spritzicato: Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright,
bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine

Tempo Tantrumo: When a young band refuses to keep time with the conductor.

Vesuvioso: A gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion


Funny Stuff - Assorted Goodies From Lots of Places....


An angry woman walks up to the golf course attendant and says, "I just got stung by a bee right between the first and second holes!"

The attendant says, "Well Ma'am, I'd reccomend you narrow your stance a bit."


Jim and Bob went duck hunting with Jim's hound dog. "This is the best damn duck hunting dog you'll ever see," Jim said.

They sent the dog over the first hill to scout it out. He came running back, raised his paw once and pointed. They went over the hill and saw one duck. "See, I told you," said Jim.

They sent the dog over the second hill, he came running back, raised his paw twice, and pointed. They went over the hill and saw two ducks. Bob said, "That's amazing."

The third hill Jim said, "I'm going to go with him this time, you wait here." They go over the hill and the dog comes running back. When Jim finally gets back to Bob a minute later, his dog is shot dead.

"What the hell happened? You shot my dog???" Jim yelled.

"I had to," said Bob. "That dog just went crazy. First he humped my leg, then he grabbed a tree branch in his mouth and jumped around, then he humped me again, then grabbed the branch again. He just went nuts, I had to put him down."

"You IDIOT!" Jim screamed. "He was trying to tell you that over that hill there are more farking ducks than you can shake a stick at!"


A hunter shoots a duck out of the air and it lands inside a fence. When he jumps the fence to retrieve it a rancher comes out of his house and says, "Hold on there, partner. That duck's on my property, it belongs to me."

The hunter says, "But I shot the duck. I'm sorry it landed in your fence, but it belongs to me."

"Nothing doing," says the rancher. "That duck is mine."

"I've got an idea," the hunter said. "I'll challenge you for it. I'll kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts, and we'll go back and forth until someone gives up. The winner gets the duck."

"Okay, sounds good" the rancher said. So the hunter squares up on him and with all his might lands a crushing blow right to the ranchers balls. The rancher goes down, wailing in agony, rolling on the ground and turning blue. After a minute or two of whimpering in excruciating pain the rancher gets up and says, "That was a pretty good shot, but now it's my turn."

The hunter says, "Nah, on second thought, you can have the duck."


What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.


A duck walks into a bar, goes to the bartender, and says, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, of course we don't have any grapes".

The next day, the duck walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, 'no, we don't have any grapes.' If you come in here one more time asking for grapes, I'm going to nail your beak to that bar!"

The next day, the duck walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, of course we don't have any nails". Then the duck says, "Do you have any grapes?"


The Doctor Visit

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